"If you're uncomfortable, tell me. We don't have to go in,"

Silence.

"Let's just go for a walk first," she says after a few moments.

As much as I was a bit disappointed, I was more than willing to let things slide. I could sense she was suddenly uncomfortable with the idea, but what was I to do in that situation? Obviously I wasn't going to go in and leave her wandering around alone. She did strike me as being a very independent, strong, no-nonsense sort of girl before – but to have U-turned on something that was your idea to begin with didn't sit too well with me, which was precisely why I had asked her before we set off on this trip if she had suggestions on things she wanted to do - not that I received any of that either. As we walked away from Soi Seadragon into an alleyway leading onto Beach Road, silence gradually conquered the air and comfort levels waned.

There were plenty of stalls by the road selling various little trinkets and gifts, and the further we walked, the dodgier it got. Massage parlours with scantily-clad girls came into view, and we must've walked the entire length of the beach till the road eventually narrowed out leading away from Patong.

I stood there looking straight ahead, and then I turned to look at her.

"I don't think there's anything else further down - so, where do you wanna go?"

She stands there quiet again, her gaze fixed to the end of the road as she takes a deep breath as though to mentally prepare herself on what lays ahead and says, "Okay - let's go [to the bar],"
"You sure?"
"Yeah,"




Hollywood prepared me for what a strip club experience was bound to be like, but nothing could have possibly prepared me for what Phuket was about to offer.
Suzy Wong's was designed in similar fashion to Melbourne's Kittens, with bench seats all around with the addition of bar stools surrounding the central stage. However, instead of the clean, mirror-laden interior of Kittens, Suzy Wong's was decorated with an oriental theme - bright red Chinese lanterns adorn the wooden façade as two lion statues guard the front door which features two iron ring door handles. It seems that you can't quite run away from sensuous shades of electric blue and passionate red as far as color choices go for a sin playhouse.

We enter and straight away notice some empty seats at the very corner of the bar, closest to the entrance itself. If there was ever a situation where bailing was an absolute necessity (for example, a fire), sitting here would be the best option. I take a look around and the bar was bustling with groups of men, women and even some adventurous couples. The bar girls were dressed in black silk dresses while the dancers entertain customers wearing nothing but a white bikini bottom. Already a step up from Kittens. As far as contact is concerned, they were on par - above the waist is perfectly fine, although slipping one's hands past that boundary was an occasional sight that was never once brushed off by any of the girls.

Unsurprisingly, going to a go-go bar with a girl by your side meant that none of the dancers ever came up to us to strike a conversation or even get a little friendly.




My friends like to joke around with the fact that when I was in university, I once told them that because of my apparent distaste for alcohol, I would prefer to go out with a girl who doesn't drink. Seemed like a logical choice to make.

Now, I find myself with a girl who doesn't drink.

Unfortunately, the problem with that is that I said that 5 years ago. A lot has happened in those 5 years. For one, I have developed a penchant for alcohol.

She did not.

But - she did tell me she was going to drink with me. We were on holiday after all, and what better place to let your inhibitions go and feel free than Phuket?

When the bar girl approached us to take our minimum 1-drink per entry order, I had to get something for her as well. She studies the menu for some time and was clueless as to what to get. She dislikes beer for its bitter aftertaste, loathes wine for its sourness and I had no intention of finding out what she thought of liquor mixes. The bar did not carry beers I enjoy, and since I've become a beer snob, I wasn't going to pay for something I would hate the taste of so I resorted to my usual glass of wine - and for her, I picked out what I thought to be a relatively safe bet - long island iced tea. In retrospect, I should have probably gotten her a sweeter cocktail.

While waiting for our drinks, a dancer climbs up to the podium in front of us and starts dancing, gradually removing her bikini as the music intensified. I look to my side and her facial expression could only be described as being absolutely indifferent. The perfect poker face, if anything. She didn't look excited, she didn't look repulsed, she didn't look uncomfortable, nor did she look like she was having any fun immersing herself with a new experience. I used to think that I was somewhat decent at being able to read one's body language, but after this I'm not so sure if I know anything any more.

"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"You sure? You don't look too comfortable,"
"I'm just not used to this sort of thing,"
"Look, seriously, if you are uncomfortable at any point, you tell me, and we leave. Okay?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I suddenly catch a tiny object flying through the air which hits me on my left shoulder and gently rolls into my open left palm.

I clench my fists in an effort to vaguely guess what it is, and feel a circular, slightly rough textured object. I lift it up closer to the lights to see what it is.

"Hey, look, a lime!"
"Where'd it come from?" she asks me curiously.
"I don't know! It just flew out of nowhere and hit me,"

I was ecstatic, proud even with my new found discovery of the night. It's not every day you get hit by a random flying lime. While I was busy studying this mysterious lime, pondering it's origins, the dancer that was on the podium in front of me turned around and looked at me as I held this extraterrestrial lime in my hands for everyone to see. She suddenly starts pointing towards me and laughs uncontrollably, getting the attention of the other girls in the process whom are all now staring at me. To say I wasn't confused would be an understatement.

One of them comes up to me and I take that as my cue to return the lime to its rightful owner. She grabs it and returns it to the girl on the podium, and immediately the floodgates open and all I could think of was, what sort of places did that lime travel to before? Was it... there? Did she throw it at me? Did her vagina throw it at me?

So many questions.

As I wondered if I should invest in some industrial soap, the lights dimmed and the music stopped, which can only mean one thing - it's show time.

Now - when you think of a strip tease, a ping pong show, or any sort of performance at a strip club, the kind of music that accompanies such an act, in my mind, would probably be something relatively upbeat and energetic, or incredibly sensual and sexy. Suzy Wong's a bit different though. I hear the opening notes to the tune and my reaction was a pleasant surprise. The kind of surprise you experience when you hear your favourite song on the radio.

In my brief state of elated happiness, I instantly looked at my friend and excitedly asked her, "Oh fuck, do you know this song?"
"No,"
"It's Hotel California by the Eagles!"

It wasn't even the studio version, but the unplugged one. I liked hearing something familiar, but at the same time I knew that from that point onwards I could never listen to this song again without thinking about Thai girls doing nasty things.

This isn't even sexy. How the hell do you even do a ping pong show accompanied by Hotel California?

I guess I would find out in a few moments.